Guilt

The other day, someone asked me "what do you do for fun?" Chase a toddler? Yes, seriously, that was my answer. I went on and on about the things that used to be my hobby but really I said chase a toddler. Then I started thinking "crap, I really don't have a hobby anymore." That's what happens when you have a child. You selflessly give up everything to take care of that kid and your husband.

I met my girlfriend out for drinks last week. We'd planned this for about 2 weeks and my husband graciously, without complaining, moved his band practice so I could go. I never seem to get girl time unless I'm at work and it's usually just small talk. We met around 7:30 which is close to Ben's bedtime.

A few weeks ago, I made an appointment to get my haircut and colored. I have decided I'm done dying my hair and fighting the grey so I called my lovely hairstylist, Laura Belle and told her dye me back to my natural color. Grey is coming out of the woodwork. I blame this on everyone. I have named a few after my husband, co-workers -- you get the point. I pull them out. I've decided pulling them has become too exhausting. Day of the appointment, I started to fret. I was only going to see Benjamin maybe an hour that day. And I started to feel guilty. I spent all afternoon feeling guilty about being away from him and jealous of my husband who is home taking care of him. In reality, I have not had a haircut since May so I should not have been feeling so guilty. But I did.

I don't have a hobby unless you count my failed FarmTown farm or the countless hours I spend facebooking. I do walk a few days a week but that's hardly a happy. Maybe my hobby is how much I love to cook? Maybe I should go back to roller derby? That's a healthy hobby? I worry a lot? Can that be my hobby?

So, one year after returning to work, I'm feeling guilty of being a working mom. I often think maybe I would be selfish if I had another child. The one child I have doesn't get that much time with me so maybe it's not fair to Benjamin if I have another?

This is what it's like in my head.

As for Benjamin, he got his his hair chopped.



Yesterday, he grabbbed my cooking magazine and was looking at it. The problem -- I needed it to make dinner. So I did the switcheroo -- gave him a toy and took my magazine. That is he exclaimed "NO! Mine!"

He new favorite thing is brushing his teeth. When I ask him to do it, he'll run down to the bathroom and try to grab his toothbrush. He loves it! He'll also quack like a duck when you say duck. It's hilarious.

Where has the time gone? Has it really been over a month since I last blogs? Why yes, it has been over a month. Things have been hectic and we’ve been enjoying lazy summer days and the joys of a 15 month old.
Here are the highlights of stuff over the past month:
• Brian is still looking for a job. He is doing some freelance work but he’s staying home with Ben three days week.
• I’ve been crazy uber busy at work. Three events we sponsor happen within a three week span of each other. My boss got a new job with another company. I’m the lone pigeon in our department. I am a little lonely but I’m also super busy so it doesn’t leave me time to think about being all by myself.
• I have mysteriously lost weight. I think the bullet above has something to do with it.
• My in-laws visited and we had a staycation. We went to Crater Lake, Odell – Cascade Lakes Highway and bummed around Bend. I wish we lived closer to the Arizona in-laws or they would just buy a summer home and come here.
• Pre-molars are hell. During our staycation, I couldn’t figure out why Ben was so crabby and waking up at night and then as I noticed his top pre-molars were coming in. The bottom pre-molars are coming in as we speak. The past two nights he’s awoken screaming. He won’t take ibuprofen so we have to trick him by eating yogurt. It’s fun to do this at 2 a.m. I advise you to try it.
• My baby is not a baby – he’s a little boy. Though he hasn’t started running yet, Benjamin is fast and into everything and more and more curious as the days go on. He knows what things mean like “hey, time to brush your teeth,” – he runs to the bathroom and points to the brush. He lets you know if he wants juice or milk or a cookie but standing by the refrig or the cabinet the cookies are located. He has a favorite tv show – Yo Gabba Gabba.
• He talks. Ben’s words include banana (meaning food), dada, mama, thank you and he often tries to mimic what we say.
• He loves going outside. He sees the park and gets excited.
• He throws tantrums. He’ll let you know if he’s not done with taking a bath, swimming, not ready to go home from the park or come back in from being outside.

Overall, things are good. And with that, I leave you with my little boy who loves to swing!