Guilt

The other day, someone asked me "what do you do for fun?" Chase a toddler? Yes, seriously, that was my answer. I went on and on about the things that used to be my hobby but really I said chase a toddler. Then I started thinking "crap, I really don't have a hobby anymore." That's what happens when you have a child. You selflessly give up everything to take care of that kid and your husband.

I met my girlfriend out for drinks last week. We'd planned this for about 2 weeks and my husband graciously, without complaining, moved his band practice so I could go. I never seem to get girl time unless I'm at work and it's usually just small talk. We met around 7:30 which is close to Ben's bedtime.

A few weeks ago, I made an appointment to get my haircut and colored. I have decided I'm done dying my hair and fighting the grey so I called my lovely hairstylist, Laura Belle and told her dye me back to my natural color. Grey is coming out of the woodwork. I blame this on everyone. I have named a few after my husband, co-workers -- you get the point. I pull them out. I've decided pulling them has become too exhausting. Day of the appointment, I started to fret. I was only going to see Benjamin maybe an hour that day. And I started to feel guilty. I spent all afternoon feeling guilty about being away from him and jealous of my husband who is home taking care of him. In reality, I have not had a haircut since May so I should not have been feeling so guilty. But I did.

I don't have a hobby unless you count my failed FarmTown farm or the countless hours I spend facebooking. I do walk a few days a week but that's hardly a happy. Maybe my hobby is how much I love to cook? Maybe I should go back to roller derby? That's a healthy hobby? I worry a lot? Can that be my hobby?

So, one year after returning to work, I'm feeling guilty of being a working mom. I often think maybe I would be selfish if I had another child. The one child I have doesn't get that much time with me so maybe it's not fair to Benjamin if I have another?

This is what it's like in my head.

As for Benjamin, he got his his hair chopped.



Yesterday, he grabbbed my cooking magazine and was looking at it. The problem -- I needed it to make dinner. So I did the switcheroo -- gave him a toy and took my magazine. That is he exclaimed "NO! Mine!"

He new favorite thing is brushing his teeth. When I ask him to do it, he'll run down to the bathroom and try to grab his toothbrush. He loves it! He'll also quack like a duck when you say duck. It's hilarious.