The real deal on being a mother

I would like to preface that I LOVE my son but I feel the need to write this post so please bear with me

I knew being a mother was hard but what I didn't know was that it is a lot harder than I thought. At 10 weeks, I feel like I have a handle on Benjamin but in the back of my mind, I know he will change. Before I had him, I talked about all the walking we'd do along the river (we did this once), all the lunches we'd go on (we did this once), all the napping I'd do when he naps (hardly ever), how clean my house would be (I cleaned it 8 weeks ago and it's a total mess right now), how we'd go to the Farmer's Market each week (went twice). I had no idea how hard it would be to get a baby to sleep (thank you sleep books!). The things that have been easy have been those I thought would be hard ... diaper changing and breastfeeding.

Point being, I thought I'd be able to do a lot of stuff in which I haven't. I was going to start the South Beach Diet but since I'm breastfeeding, I have this hardy appitite and there is no point in dieting just eating healthy (fruits, veggies, lean protein, whole wheat). I can't make it to the gym because I can't go during the day and by the time Ben is in bed, it's 9 p.m.

The reason why I'm writing this is that I had a total meltdown on my husband last night. Yesterday was exhausting. I had some friends over and Ben didn't want to sleep but at the same time he did want to sleep. I finally got him down for a nap around 3 p.m. only for the dog to wake him up 15 mins later (is it a cruel to want to buy a bark collar?). On Wednesdays, my husband has a standing thing. He only missed his standing thing once in the past 10 weeks but yesterday after Ben wouldn't go to sleep last night, I asked him to stay home because I was exhausted! My husband was a little upset about this and sorta pouted about it and then I had my meltdown. My hobby right now is Ben. He eats 8 hours a day! That is what I signed up for and I haven't been able to fix my hair (good thing I have a haircut that looks good without fixing) or put make up on in 10 weeks. I am one size away from fitting into clothes and well, I don't have anytime for myself or alone time with my husband. Of course, my husband felt really bad about the pouting and let me go to bed early.

Today I canceled coffee with a friend so Ben wouldn't miss his nap (he naps at 9 a.m., noonish and 3 p.m.ish). As much as I need human interaction right now, that kid needs his naps so he isn't overtired. I learned my lesson yesterday. Small sacrifice for my child.

Yes, I love Ben. He is truly a wonderful gift. I am grateful that I have a very involved husband too who steps in and helps because I know alot of men that don't help their wives with the baby. I am grateful for my friends who always want to help out too.

The one thing I know about motherhood -- it's ever changing and that when this little guy smiles at you at 3 a.m. when he's hungry -- it melts your heart.

Dreams

We are back from our weekend away in the forest. It rained the whole weekend so it meant staying in and watching movies in the cabin with the fireplace blazing away. It was really nice. I just relaxed and finally read my pregnancy magazines, took naps, ate junk food -- it was nice. What would have been made it nicer was if the rain would have turned to snow. It was surprisingly 5 degrees too hot for that.

On Friday night, I had the strangest dream. In my dream, my mother was picking out furniture for her home. She basically had a furniture store in the basement and I went through and helped her. My mom was never good at interior decorating (same with me) so she thought two heads were better than one. As we walked through the items, she had several cribs and changing tables and said "pick one out for the baby -- it's on me." I woke up and told my husband at breakfast. He really didn't saw much. Maybe it's a message. Maybe it's nothing but it was freaky. I often have dreams like this and usually I say "Mom but you're dead" but I didn't this time.

I'm having anxiety about a bunch of things -- all money related. We have a large IRS payment to make in January and I'm worried about maternity leave and making ends meat. I think I need to re-read The Secret and just stop worrying. Everything will fall into place. It always does.

Morning sickness wasn't so bad this weekend. Maybe because of all the naps and junk food?

Looking forward to the 3 day work week. Woo hoo.