Back to work

My first day back on Monday was hard. Mainly because Ben decided he didn't want to go to sleep the night before until midnight. If that wasn't bad, he did a repeat of that on Monday. Luckily, he went to sleep last night at 10 p.m. I won't jinx tonight so I'm not going to mention it.

Going back was hard. I had four hours of sleep and first thing had a staff meeting to attend. I will say, it is nice having co-workers as my two person marketing department is now four ppl.

Pumping is going good. I seem to be producing enough and our nursing room is a nice calm place to escape and milk away. There are two of us using the room and next week there will be another returning to work.

This is the first moment I've had to myself since returning home from work at 5:30 p.m. I wasn't quite thinking I'd be spending all evening getting a kid to sleep but until he's sleep trained, that how it goes, I guess.

Baby blood bath

I did something this morning which I'm hearing is a right of passage for a new mom. I cut my kiddo with the baby nail clippers. Boy, was it a blood bath and tearfest as I sat on the floor of his room and held him and cried along with him. I feel horrible for doing this and it's bad but I guess I could do a lot worse to him.

Next time, I will file the nail. The clippers are thrown away so I never do such a horrible thing again.

I swear he's laughing, not crying

Last day of maternity leave

I knew this day would come faster than I would imagine but I'm going back to work on Monday. I'm going back to staffing and role changes which is a good thing. I'm exited to be back to work and as I was putting my new office together yesterday, everyone was happy to see me back which was comforting.

Benjamin is asleep but we have errands to run. I found out my insurance will pay for a hospital grade pump so I'm going to pick on up.

I can't believe my little guy was born 12 weeks today. Before you know it, he'll be off to kindergarten.

Benjamin has started sleeping 6 hours straight! Just in time for me to go back to work.

Tricks about expressing milk?

Does anyone have any tips on getting your milk to "let down" when you pumped when you went back to work full time? I'm pumping three times a day when Ben is at daycare and I'm hardly getting anything. My best pumping time ... 3 am after he's slept a long stretch. I'm about to call the doctor to get a prescription of nasal oxytocin but am seeking advice! Let me know!

The real deal on being a mother part deux

I would like to preface that I LOVE my son but I feel the need to write this post so please bear with me

Here I go again with another one of "those" posts. Maybe I should write a memoir? Oh wait, I'd have to spell correctly and actually proofread (which you may have noticed I HATE to do).

What is bothering me so much? I'm depressed. I don't have actual postpartum depression but I am depressed -- about my weight, that is. And here in lies photographic evidence:



At the end of my pregnancy, I had gained over 50 pounds, most of which was water weight. Right now, I'm 10 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight but my wedding ring doesn't fit. My shirts are TOO tight (my chest area, HUGE) and my mid-section is a little stretched and doughy. I don't feel sexy. Work clothes shopping was a drag. The issue is I have no time to work out and I can't diet because I'm breastfeeding. The good news is I'm one size away from where I started but even THAT wasn't a good weight. I must face the fact -- I have let myself go and well, that's sad.

So how do I get back to where I want to be? Simple -- exercise and eating right. That means I make time to exercise. Yes, that will take time away from Ben but will had time onto my life. I must eat better. Though I can am supposed to eat an extra 500 calories, that doesn't mean I can eat nila wafers and frosting or a bowl of ice cream with marionberries and chocolate.

So, what's the plan? I have a few options. First, maybe I should post something each Sunday -- I mean, not just say I'm going to but really post something about what I did the week before. As for exercise, I really like the Body Pump classes at my local gym and I also have two pairs of roller derby skates in my closet. I could join the recreational derby league of the Renegades of Oregon again and skate twice a week for cardio (Body Pump is cardio and weights combined). The schedule works for me since Ben goes to bed about the time practice starts.

That is as far as I have gotten. I CANNOT JOIN STROLLER STRIDES. Please don't post that in my comments as I will be working starting next week. If you have any ideas, let me know. I'm almost going to go as far as maybe posting my weight and inches measurements.

I'm hoping that by losing some weight, I'm going to feel better about myself. I am so in love with my baby though. I don't regret having him because I know I have the keys to my health and I need to stop making excuses and JUST DO IT ALREADY!

Now is your cute photo of Ben for the day via my new Blackberry Pearl...

Holding his head up!

Holding his head up!
Originally uploaded by Shanlee

Ben is getting better and better with holding his head up! He mostly bobs up and down but it's better! Check out this video on youtube.com.

Bath time!

Bath time!
Originally uploaded by Shanlee

Benjamin graduated to the bath tub because he was too big for the netting. Now he gets to "swim" in the deep end of the tub. I have never given Benjamin a bath because Brian loves bathtime so my duty is to dry him off, give him a massage and get on his jammies (lately this has been a onsie and swaddle). I saw a GroBag today and I think Benjamin would really like one though we'd need a 2.5 tog and 0.5 tog. HINT HINT Grandparents. The cool thing is that the temperature gauge tells you what to dress your baby in depending on the temperature.

Benjamin survived his first week of day care though Brian scared me a bit yesterday. He came home and said Benjamin only drank 3 oz of milk because he doesn't like the temperature. I went into panic mode but Benjamin wasn't hungry. I asked Brian "Are you sure because he isn't hungry." He was sure. So all night I obsessed about this and when I dropped him off this morning, Grandma C (that is what I'll call her though she isn't his grandma) clarified -- he is eating 3 oz per bottle. Whew! Someone tell Brian to wipe out his ears!

Ben has been going to bed all week at 8 p.m. but he wakes up at 9 p.m. and then he's usually out until 1 or 2 a.m. which is good. He will then fall back asleep until 4 or 5 a.m. and then won't sleep in the crib so I listen to him whimper on the monitor and then go grab him and bring him in bed where he instantly fall asleep. How does he know the difference? Oh yea, because he's smart!

Fishlips

More fishlips
Originally uploaded by Shanlee

I think it's amazing and I have no idea if all babies do this but Ben is doing the "fishlips" look a lot lately. He's also trying really hard to get his hand in his mouth to help him fall asleep. When he finally learns this, nap/bed time will be SO SO SO much easier.

Last night he went to bed at 5 p.m. and tonight he finally fell asleep at 9 p.m. He's still all over the board. I told Brian, let's not even do the night ritual until 8 p.m. for now on. He started rubbing his eyes at 6 p.m. so I fed him and he fell asleep and then woke up. He repeated this until 9 p.m. Sigh. Someday, it will get all easier.

He's back to day care tomorrow as I am getting a pedicure, having lunch with Lady Di and then getting a much needed brow wax and hair cut!!!

We ( I mean "I") survived

I knew that dropping Ben off to day care would be hard but as I watched him sleep in bed this morning, I cried at the thought of someone else besides me spending the day with him. I even cried while he was eating this morning. I cried as I drove off after dropping him off.

As advised by my good friend Alissa, I made myself busy today. I cleaned most of the house. I went through Ben's clothes to resell to Stone Soup and send off to Keely. I shopped for work clothes, which was not fun and ruined my self-esteem, but hey, I will work the weight off. May take a while but I will! I even went to Bambini to scoop out BPA free bottles because mine are not BPA free (no clue why I'm freaked about this NOW! and not ya know a while back).

In the end, we survived. When I walked in, he was about to fall asleep in the bouncy chair. When he heard my voice he instantly smiled which melted my heart.

When I got home, I held him close. Boy, I missed him. You'd think a whole day away getting things done would be great, which it was but I can't describe how much I missed him. Did I tell you I missed him?

He was hungry. He's not fond of the bottle though he did drink 2 oz every two hours. After 45 mins, he was fast asleep for his afternoon nap, in fact, he's still asleep, two hours later. I hope he's not out for the night!

In two weeks, I'll be back to work. It was fun while it lasted. Now, back to finish my list of yard work, bathroom cleanings, oil changes and window cleaning.

The joys of second hand

Yes, I'm going to admit -- I'm a cheapskate. I hardly had to buy anything for Ben because my friends and family wiped out my registry and gave me gift cards. I'm so thankful for this but now Ben is growing out of his 0-3 month clothes and I started flipping out that an outfit (pants, onsie and shirt) at Fred Meyer cost $24!!! Then my husband reminded me that we had a used baby/kid store called Stone Soup and so I went and checked it out on Friday and I'm glad I did! I can get good quality, used whole outfits for Ben for $6 and I stocked up. I even found him a snowsuit for when we snowshoethis winter using our new Kelty Kid Carrier.

I also started a Stone Soup bin of things I'm going to exchange for store credit.

So I guess I better stop stressing because I found the perfect solution to my cheapskateness!

Yesterday we introduced Ben to Cascade Lakes Highway and Elk Lake. We usually spend a lot of time up there in July and August but since he's little, we are taking baby steps into introducing him to the Central Oregon Lifestyle. Our first baby step was just taking him for a ride and a quick hike around Elk Lake. Brian even had him dressed up in his tie dye onsie (for Jerry Garcia week - not my idea) and camping hat. Ben slept most of the time though and on the way home, cried in the car seat. I think his ears were popping because the second he started sucking on a pacifier he stopped and fell asleep.



Brian wants to head to the coast in the next two weeks. I'm a little nervous about going esp the car ride with a baby who doesn't like the car seat. We'll see if it happens. I'd rather wait a few months.

Thank you

I want to thank everyone for the comments of encouragement and help. Instead of writing everyone back (like I have time) this is your thank you. The old me would sent everyone hoops and yo yo thanks e-cards but I just don't have the time or energy. I had a baby who slept from 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. and then decided he wanted to stay up (he didn't sleep the whole time -- he woke up at 9 p.m. and midnight). Luckily, Brian figured out he was still hungry and he was back to sleep until 6 a.m. I wish he wouldn't have figured it out 90mins later.

You offers of help are noted and I will take everyone up on it soon. I have a babysitter for the most important event of the year (besides Ben's birth) -- THE WILCO SHOW and Beck too. Momma's not gonna miss Jeff Tweedy rocking Bend. When I need a night out with my husband, I'll hit the rest of you up too.

I am glad that it's normal to have those feelings and I'm glad I shared them. Internet readers, you're the best.

The real deal on being a mother

I would like to preface that I LOVE my son but I feel the need to write this post so please bear with me

I knew being a mother was hard but what I didn't know was that it is a lot harder than I thought. At 10 weeks, I feel like I have a handle on Benjamin but in the back of my mind, I know he will change. Before I had him, I talked about all the walking we'd do along the river (we did this once), all the lunches we'd go on (we did this once), all the napping I'd do when he naps (hardly ever), how clean my house would be (I cleaned it 8 weeks ago and it's a total mess right now), how we'd go to the Farmer's Market each week (went twice). I had no idea how hard it would be to get a baby to sleep (thank you sleep books!). The things that have been easy have been those I thought would be hard ... diaper changing and breastfeeding.

Point being, I thought I'd be able to do a lot of stuff in which I haven't. I was going to start the South Beach Diet but since I'm breastfeeding, I have this hardy appitite and there is no point in dieting just eating healthy (fruits, veggies, lean protein, whole wheat). I can't make it to the gym because I can't go during the day and by the time Ben is in bed, it's 9 p.m.

The reason why I'm writing this is that I had a total meltdown on my husband last night. Yesterday was exhausting. I had some friends over and Ben didn't want to sleep but at the same time he did want to sleep. I finally got him down for a nap around 3 p.m. only for the dog to wake him up 15 mins later (is it a cruel to want to buy a bark collar?). On Wednesdays, my husband has a standing thing. He only missed his standing thing once in the past 10 weeks but yesterday after Ben wouldn't go to sleep last night, I asked him to stay home because I was exhausted! My husband was a little upset about this and sorta pouted about it and then I had my meltdown. My hobby right now is Ben. He eats 8 hours a day! That is what I signed up for and I haven't been able to fix my hair (good thing I have a haircut that looks good without fixing) or put make up on in 10 weeks. I am one size away from fitting into clothes and well, I don't have anytime for myself or alone time with my husband. Of course, my husband felt really bad about the pouting and let me go to bed early.

Today I canceled coffee with a friend so Ben wouldn't miss his nap (he naps at 9 a.m., noonish and 3 p.m.ish). As much as I need human interaction right now, that kid needs his naps so he isn't overtired. I learned my lesson yesterday. Small sacrifice for my child.

Yes, I love Ben. He is truly a wonderful gift. I am grateful that I have a very involved husband too who steps in and helps because I know alot of men that don't help their wives with the baby. I am grateful for my friends who always want to help out too.

The one thing I know about motherhood -- it's ever changing and that when this little guy smiles at you at 3 a.m. when he's hungry -- it melts your heart.

Rock n roll all night ..

Party everyday!
Originally uploaded by Shanlee

... party everyday. Well, he didn't rock n roll last night -- more like for once he got a good night sleep! Let's hope this trend continues though I'm still unsure of when he wants to go to bed. Some days it's 6:30 or 7:30 or 8:30. Last night, it was 8:30.

Every Tuesday, Ben and I go to Mom's Morning at Birthing and Beyond. It's the one activity I'll leave the house for even if I'm sleep deprived or Ben is sleeping. It's a group of new moms lead by Bend's baby guru-- Anne Carlson. Anne always has the answers it seems which is why I never want to miss and will totally miss the group when I go back to work in a few weeks. I often start my sentences to my husband "So Anne was saying today that ..." Along with Anne, there are ladies and babes in arms asking the same things you've been thinking about. Today she made me feel alot better about his lopsided head. I can't seem to get him to sleep on the other side. She said her usual "well, that's normal" and "you have nothing to worry about." If you're pregnant right now and are a new mom in Central Oregon -- please make sure you don't miss Mom's Mornings!

Smiling Ben

Where have I been? Well, dealing with an all of a sudden fussy baby. I thought it was just the shots but since then he hasn't slept the greatest at night. During the day, he'll take his usual morning cat nap, afternoon long nap and another cat nap before bed. When we put him to bed at night, he'll sleep a 4 hour stretch and then wake up every 90 mins. I am hoping this passes but I am sleep deprived and well, not in the greatest mood.

Right now, he's fighting the afternoon nap he's usually 90 mins into by now. It's hard to be upset when the little guy flashes that toothless grin though.

So if I have fallen off the face of the earth, I have. I hope we get into some habit of sleeping before I go back to work three weeks from today.

He (we) survived

Ben had his 2 month doctors appointment today and survived. He is now 22 inches long and weighs over 10 lbs. He favors one side of his head so we have to wedge his head when he sleeps so it's not lopsided. His sleeping is ahead of where he should be as he falls asleep on his own with no problems or cries (it's those DHA pills I took during pregnancy) and is a healthy happy kid. He does seem to have a droopy eyelid but they're going to watch and see. Anyday now he should be sleeping longer stretches.

He also got his first round of vaccines. I'm of the mindset that kids should get vaccines. I'm not a doctor therefore I'm not going to tell my wonderful pediatrician what shots to give my kids though he did give me the option to drop one, I didn't. The shots went fast and of course, he cried but now he is sleeping like a baby in his crib since he missed his afternoon nap. We'll see if he's fussy or not. I won't take a guess to jinx myself either!

Happy 2 months

Dear Benjamin,

Today you are two months old. No surprise, you did a lot of changing this month. Last month, you were needy. This month, you wanted to sleep the month away it seemed. You did a lot of growing. As of yesterday, you were 10 lbs, 11 oz. Tomorrow, you get your first round of shots and we'll find out how long you are too!

You can hold your head up better and when you're tired, you like to bonk your head against my shoulder over and over. What a goof you are sometimes? You definitely take after your Daddy.

Speaking of taking after your Daddy -- you look JUST like him! You have the same nose and same mouth. It's amazing how with each day, we can see your Dad in you.



You also learned how to smile socially at ppl. You like to smile at us on the changing table for some reason and you smile at The Dude (Mr. Monkey) all the time. You often coo at him while you're hanging out in the Gymni or you talk to him while he's helping you fall asleep at night. You also like to hold a conversation with the bear mirror in the Jeep while you are in the car seat.



This month you had a chance to meet your Grandpa Mike and Grandma Jeanne. Man, did they spoil you (and us!) rotten when they came to visit. Made us maybe think we should move closer to them so they can enjoy you more!

For some reason, you don't like the car seat. At first you are OK but after about 5 mins you cry and cry and cry and have a meltdown. I wish I knew why you don't like it but hopefully this phase passes fast.

You're also mesmerized by the ceiling fan. If I need to get ready, you are perfectly happy laying on our bed staring. In fact, you did this for a whole 30 mins, cooing as if the ceiling fan was human.

You have started sleeping better. If we don't get you to bed around 7 p.m., you get really fussy and tend to wake up more often but when you do go to bed at 7 p.m. you tend to sleep like a baby. This makes me sad because when I go back to work, I won't have much time with you. You seem to have regular nap times which I know will change. They seem to be at 10 a.m., noon and 3 p.m. Most of the time, naps are in the crib but you do like to fall asleep on my shoulder, on my chest and next to me.



This month you visited the fish hatchery when the grandparents were here, Munch n Music, Bend Summerfest and you made several errand runs with me. You love the Baby Bjorn too. You also had your first babysitter, Gracie! You will see more of her in the future.

I wish I could get a photo of this but you often do "fish lips" -- meaning you pout with your bottom lip out. If you ask your Grandma Casey, you get that from your Momma.

I can't wait to see what next month brings. I know you're on the verge of laughing. I can't wait to hear what it sounds like.



Love,
Momma

More Baby Legs

Fashion show: Flame Baby Legs
Originally uploaded by Shanlee

Benjamin's flame, skull and argyle Baby Legs came today. He was really pleased to not have cold legs before bedtime. Brian thinks the argyle ones look a little too Catholic School Girl.